i remember her from my childhood.

no, remember is not the apt term — she was part of my childhood.

because my childhood recollections cannot be considered complete if she was squeezed out of the picture.

but as i see her right now, and the apparent torment that is lurking beneath her dishevelled exterior, i no longer recognise the sparkle of innocence that seemed so obvious before.

it is sad when friends we know have gone astray, and have outgrown us — or worse, when we outgrow them — but linda’s case was different, neither one of us outgrew each other, but through the years, all her accumulated pain and hurts have scathed her, and may have been the reason why she no longer has her sanity intact.

i’ve seen her twice or thrice probably, in the streets, virtually reduced to a beggar, wearing nothing but rags, her body swollen all over with scabies, her hair in disarray, and mumbling inaudible sounds to herself.

once, i tried going near her, in hopes of her recognizing me — but there never was a hint of familiarity — she only looked intently at me for awhile, then walked away.

i honestly don’t know if that was merely her defense mechanism because she was ashamed of what she had become, but as she looked at me, i was convinced that she had ceased to be the innocent young girl who frequented our house during lazy summer days — who would do everything to wake me up almost every morning and constantly nag me to play kayukok, dakpanay, teks, or dampa with her.

she was no longer there — or if she was, she was pushed way inside her heart, unable to break free and once more see the beauty of living.

my sister, who had taken up nursing as her undergraduate course, shared that in a particular nursing class, they were tasked to interview certain people with mental disabilities — and after having heard of her case, they chose her to be their sample respondent (this was two years ago).

they were however surprised that, like her, her mother, aling edith, had also gone insane, and was in a much more advanced state, that she had to be coercively confined in their house so she would not roam around freely in the neighborhood.

linda, they observed, had more lucid moments back then and was still able to talk sensibly to them — however, it had already become apparent that her living condition had taken its toll on her, and insanity was fast encroaching upon her rational faculties.

which is why lalab was surprised to see her in her condition two years after — her mental disability had worsened, and she had degenerated into a street vagrant who depended on the crumbs of those who were willing to share what they had.

her existence had become her source of torment.

hushed whispers from neighbors and people once close to them surmise that she succumbed to post-partum depression after having given birth twice — worse, they say, both had been fathered by her own father — a drunkard who is notorious for his carnal trysts in our neighborhood. because they say that after aling edith’s sanity had abandoned her and she became incapable of looking after her family, linda was forced to assume her mother’s role — whether it was her intention to do so or not, no one can really tell.

we live sad lives.

and just when we start to believe that stories such as linda’s can only happen in make-believe movies, reality slaps us hard and makes us see that they are more than real. They, in fact, throb with life, and they serve as reminders that life’s turbulence can sometimes scathe some of us irrepairably.

linda may have transformed into a stranger — but as i see her in deep pain and anguish, i choose to remember her from before — when she was a carefree spirit, an innocent young child who was oblivious of what was to come later on in her life —

and i am certain that i am not alone in choosing to see her through her past — because i know, i just do, that deep within the recesses of her heart and soul, she is secretly wishing to be that little girl once more.

one of the few reservations that i had when i agreed to transfer schools was my fear of losing what little semblance of UP-ness that i acquired during the four years or so that i studied there. which is why i vigilantly guarded my way of thinking, my worldview, and my convictions in my new school — because it is true what most people say, the encroachment of these esteemed qualities happen when one least expects it.

and, i must admit, silently but gradually, my progressive academic thinking has been tempered by my exposure to different teaching techniques, and the intrusive culture of detachment that my present academic atmosphere has introduced.

during my first semester here, i raised relevant questions regarding the issues that were raised in most of my classes, not because i wanted to pass off as an arrogant prig, but because i genuinely wanted to learn. but the present academic set-up of my new school, which is largely patterned after high school learning, has stifled my interest to actively participate in pertinent classroom discussions.

here, the teacher dominates in most of the discussions, and here too, students are expected to just listen, scribble down notes, memorize, and just have a passing mark.

more so, through time, i have nurtured a contemptuous feeling towards some of my teachers who have a penchant for just chatting the academic time away, thereby depriving their students of genuine learning.

lets take mr a as an example.

i personally don’t know if he was raised under an ultra-conservative family, or he is just subsumed under the subculture of not questioning convention, or if he is just plain bigoted, but as i see snippets of his personality in the so-so class discussions that we’ve had, i find his ideas downright offensive.

this morning, he jumpstarted the class discussion by saying that he woke up to the most disconcerting news piece he’s ever seen for quite a long time. he saw two women kissing, and said that this was in california, where same-sex marriage was recently legalized. he wondered, and out loud if i may add, why the almighty has not unleashed his full wrath over these moral degenerates yet. and as if he were the most righteous person alive, he snidely remarked: how  can these people still face society without shame?

sheesh.

i don’t even know where to start castigating him in my thoughts. it is precisely because of people like him that our society is so antiquated in thinking even when several quarters have already started to shatter the societally-constructed barriers of gender inequality and the continued oppression of the marginalized.

and, if i may add again, he bitched and ranted for almost 45 minutes, leaving only 15 minutes for actual classroom lecture. i surveyed the room for students who shared my disgust over his bigotry, and yet, there was none — heck, they even laughed with him as though ostracizing gay people was almost second nature which did not merit further questioning nor discernment.

i personally wanted to raise my hand, question his ineptitude towards gender sensibilities, and just ask him upfront: why are you so bigoted?

tsk.

for me, that was a most revolting faux pas on mr a’s part. but apparently for everyone else, it was just accepted and acceptable altogether, a daily routine, a normal remark from a normal teacher.

if that is their way of viewing what’s normal, shatter normalcy.

woohoo!

last month a friend informed me, through email, of an essay writing competition organized by the unfpa or the united nations population fund — and it was about population control, and how the government ought to circumvent the population menace by strictly adhering to birth control, and other similar measures.

the inner geek in me was intrigued, and i just let him be as i wove my words and paragraphs into an essay which juxtaposed the population problem with the current diaspora of filipinos into foreign lands just to have a good life. likewise, i related (or at least tried to, hehe) the current NFA rice crisis with the exponentially -multiplying filipino population.

it was a national essay writing competition so when i had (the) confirmation that i got second place, i was, well, overjoyed. hehe. the adjective sounds so subdued to the hysteria that ensued earlier today. haha.

although i would’ve wanted first place (fidel ramos will be giving the award, sheesh), i am still thankful i got second place because being second also means receiving a gift certificate from national bookstore worth so-so pesos.

not being a book reader, i wonder if the prize can be traded for a few bottles of beer. kidding. hehe anyway, i would like to share parts of the essay in my blog, and i hope you don’t doze off as you read it :p

‘‘The scarcity of food, the mass migration of Filipino workers: all these are indicators that the Philippines’ third-world economy cannot sustain a population that is way beyond what is statistically manageable for the government to maintain; more importantly, these serve as warnings that if the present population rate continues to exponentially multiply in light of the rapid depletion of resources, then our direction as a country is headed in a fatal path.

The current rice crisis, amid the efforts of some sectors to quell speculations of its damning repercussions, is a testament to the growing inability of the government to ensure that its people do not starve to death, or that its citizens, especially those who belong to the middle and lower classes, are still able to afford rice – a staple food for most if not all, and one which signifies the living condition of Filipinos. If the condition right now is terrifying, whereby the prospects for food sustenance and sustainability go dimmer as each day passes by, and there exists an apparent lack of viable government programs to arrest this problem, how much more when the population doubles in twenty to thirty years time?

The mass diaspora of Filipinos, for another, is a sad reminder that our collective sense of nationalism has been diluted. Families go abroad in hopes of seeking better opportunities there, students opt for courses which can guarantee them residency in a foreign nation later on, and the sense of fulfillment among some Filipinos culminate when they become naturalized in some foreign land: it is a sad picture really, but one which we have grown accustomed to. It would even be sadder when, in the course of being constantly exposed to these realities, what little sense of nationalism we have left will completely disappear, and all consciousness of being a Filipino will dissipate eventually.

Again, we see that this problem has, at its heart, the population problem, and the lack of opportunities that are available in the country. People are compelled, by circumstance, to momentarily or permanently leave the country for practical reasons – and again, if this trend continues and there is no government intervention to this modern-day phenomenon, then the possibility of the Philippines re-emerging as a strong nation will remain elusive.

It is precisely for these reasons, and presumably a lot more, that the government ought to consolidate its resolve to make the living conditions of its citizens more humane and just. Intrinsically, it has the immense power of effecting change if only it wills itself to do so and rise above its inherent susceptibility to external factors – because what is at stake here is the fragile life of the nation and the citizens that it has vowed to protect.

The right to family planning is an indispensable requisite for economic, political, and social progress – and as concerned citizens of this country, we should take it upon ourselves to demand that the government steer us in that direction – otherwise, we will succumb to the fate of continually disregarding the population problem: eventual self-destruction.’

last night was a blast.

because i wanted to get wasted after having religiously stuck to my school-house routine the entire week, i resolved to do one thing before my day would end: be hammered like hell.

it all started innocently, with a few rounds of rhum coke and beer with some of my coursemates — we were just beside one of the clubs here in dumaguete. this, after all, is how we (dumaguete peeps) like to drink. all we need is a comfortable place, a few laughs, and a handful of stories just to be de-cluttered as together, we traverse the world of spirits and momentarily escape from our oftentimes monotonous lives.

last night was a blast. i have not partied hard for a long time, and it felt good to be drunk knowing that i have accomplished so much stuff for this week. there was justice, so to speak. hahaha!

and after having gained considerable ego boosting with the alternate rhum-beer shots that i had, i was itching to get inside the bar,and let loose on the dancefloor. (to all those who know me, please do not cringe, i also need to dance sometimes, have pity, haha)

although i’ve already forgotten most of my dancefloor experience last night, i know i had the greatest time there. i was just, plainly and simply, drunk. and it feels good to be convinced that perhaps, i am not the worst dancer in the world. mwahaha.

i went home around 3 am, but with a big smile on my face. it has been a long time since i genuinely had fun, and i intend to keep my spirits up until the semester ends

to all who have read my previous rant, pasensia na.

for it is true what they say, never blog when you are emotionally-high, otherwise, you will just end up regretting — and now, finally (i hope), after the hype has died down, and my take on things has been tempered by rationality, i cringe at that post.

i’m sorry for the spiteful words.

i really am.

and there’s nothing more i can say but just that.

again, i am sorry.

the intrusive (and annoying, by the way) influx of cybercrap, apparently, will not lose steam anytime soon.

i was checking for comments to my latest post this morning, and voila! there was an insidious post by someone, or some robot perhaps, warning me from buying a dildo as a birthday present. because, it added, they have a magical herb which can increase a penis’ size in digits not yet seen before. gargantuan results was what they promised.

sheesh — my rant cringed in shame at the inappropriateness of the suggestion.

haha — cybercapitalism perhaps? lol.

anyway, i have not been able to blog like before because school requirements can be so dehumanizing! my PE classes have given me muscle cramps yesterday, my literature class has given me emotional and psychological torment lately, and my other subjects have been so demanding i have cut back on my alcohol intake. an unfortunate time to be sober really, given how gasoline right now is much more expensive than beer. a major tsk for everyone.

and apart from these school-related stress givers, i also had to deal with all kinds of shit — and i must say, it has been equally emotionally-draining for me. it has been a whirlwind of burdensome weeks really, and i look forward to the day when i will no longer be carrying this excess baggage; i want to break free from the shackles of the past, and just look straight ahead, because personally, complications can easily break both my spirit and sanity.

so to all, i hope everything will end sooner than later, so we will all go back to our past routines. suffice it to say that it has wrought considerable damage to all relationships involved — and i can only sigh in exasperation and distress.

i just hope that sometime soon, my hectic schedule will give me more time to just write about silly and trivial stuff again, because i need to de-clutter asap, otherwise i will end up lost and in a daze like before.

here’s to better times ahead guys. cheers!

today, my heart is burdened with grief.

earlier today, i was able to catch snippets of (the) news stories which showed recent developments in the unfortunate sinking of a sulpicio lines ship, the princess of the stars.

it was an awful start for the day that was unfolding — in one of the interviews to the rescuers who were tasked to check the capsized ship from the inside, he commented that he saw hundreds of people who were visibly trapped within the vessel. a number of them were still clutching their orange life vests, perhaps in hopes of making it out alive.

but that was not all.

the rescuer, seemingly perplexed by what he had seen, even shared that he saw bloated bodies of children — even a baby was seen floating in one of the ship’s decks.

horrifying.

it made me think — i bitched about the power interruption over the weekend, heck, i even went to the beach to while the time away — gahd, i even whined about the misfortune of not having electricity because i wanted to blog about my day and how the rain makes me sentimental and emo — and yet, there were multitudes of people who were scampering for their lives right at that instant.

throngs of people who were tormented with the inevitability of violent death; hundreds more who breathed their last just as i was comfortably tucked in bed.

tsk — a tragedy it was.

i just hope, with the rest of the world, that justice will be served for all those who deserve it.

but for now, i join the nation in mourning for all the lives that had been, in an instant, violently taken away from this god-forsaken, desolate place. +

just when i thought my life could net get any weirder, a friend approached me and he had this to say:

“we have decided that you will represent our department in the upcoming mr. <name of school, hehe>…and you will be pleased because it will be covered by many sponsors, blah blah, blah”

at first, i was amused — because who would’ve thought that someone would actually consider fielding me in an actual beauty contest <haha, the beauty part sends shivers down my spine, lol>. not because i think less of myself or worse, i think highly of myself, but because contests such as this and myself make up for an odd — no bizarre — pair. haha.

i politely declined, and suggested that perhaps, i would’ve agreed if it were an academic thing, or something that would highlight my other talents — but strutting my stuff in front of an audience which expects you to answer ‘world peace’ consecutively?

hell no. haha.

but, he continued, they have already arrived at a consensus — thereby implying that it not mattered what i thought or what my decision would be — fact for them is, i would agree to be pinned a number and have my share of the limelight.

haha. i couldn’t stop laughing deep inside.

perhaps, it’s just my personal crusade — beauty pageants have always been part of my list of pet peeves. as a self-respecting human being, i have resolved not to take part in activities which try to glamourize the entire concept of inner beauty and strength — because, at the end of each contest, it does not really matter how well-versed you are with the recent kidnapping situation in the philippines, or what the repercussions of a black democratic president are to the US, because what’s taken into account is how aesthetically-pleasing you are <we need to be politically-correct here,lol> and how you conform to the societal consensus of what constitutes acceptable beauty to most people.

or perhaps, your wit may guarantee you the crown, but you need to be at least ‘unoffensive’ to the eyes. haha.

gahd, the ideas that people entertain when they are high or perhaps intoxicated — no offense meant to my friend, but it would do him no good if he decides to push through with his plan — because, just as oil and water do not make for a good mixture, i also intend to stay afloat and keep what little self-respect i have left, than be subdued by this farce concept of individual empowerment.

this morning.

my biology teacher, a rather stern young man with a sense of humor that has probably landed him in petty fistfights before, nonchalantly blurted out:

“we need the scientific process even in our everyday lives…for example, when you theorize that your present relationship is no long as exciting as it used to be and you suspect that your partner is involved with someone else…you go through the rigors of the scientific process and see if she/he has indeed someone new…and if it is confirmed, then you conclude that perhaps, the love is no longer there and you need to move on.”

then he obnoxiously laughed like a maniac, and scoured the room for students who found his analogy as entertaining as he thought it to be.

duh.

if only that were the case, then this world would have been a little less scathing than how it really is. if only that were true, fewer people’s sanities would be hanging by a thread, and begging just a little more pull for it to snap completely.

i knew he meant it as a joke — but it was very lame, and rather insensitive to the complexities of the human emotions. i know, i know, he might have meant it as a light banter that need not be considered seriously — but again, it was a lame analogy altogether — and, compounded with his monotonous speaking voice and his apparent lack of lesson plan, i was all the more convinced that his class would just be my napping time.

zzz.

just when i was starting to believe that schools, or more particularly universities, have become tolerant to the ‘older students’ (note the emphasis on the word older, lol), i was once again reminded that heck, it does not always maintain that friendly and receptive atmosphere.

although it does not directly remind you that you are overstaying in school, or that you ought to be somewhere else, lulling a baby to sleep or working overtime perhaps, it does so in a subtle way — subtle, but nonetheless, it strikes you where it hurts the most — your ego.

i was in PE class earlier today, and as i was sitting there (with no real friends because kids nowadays have their own cliques, and you have to befriend them or give them a sacrificial lamb for you to be part of their circle) not really minding what’s going on, i heard the childish chuckle of two young boys who sat beside me. one of them, a rather burly kid, tapped the back of the person sitting in front of him, and then loudly (and i must say, confidently) blurted out: “miss, my friend here likes you, can he get your number?”

and then both of them erupted in boisterous laughter as they high-fived and laughed as though what they did had solved the current rice crisis, and had earned for them a nomination in the nobel peace prize.

i was appalled by the childishness of the situation — and seriously, i was expecting the girl (her name is margarita, fyi, lol) to slap them in their faces, or perhaps make a scene — because i thought what they did was reminiscent of barbaric practices (okay, i’m being harsh, but let’s face it, we need to be sensitive to the feminist claims of steeped patriarchy in society, blah blah blah, hehe).

but lo and behold, not only did she not reprimand those darn boys for disrespecting her, but she acted as though nothing had happened and continued chatting with her seatmate.

i wanted to talk to her, and tell her that she was being oppressed (err, too harsh, but it’s actually true, given the very skewed societal standards that we need to adhere to), but it got me thinking: they were just a bunch of high school kids who were newly thrust into college life — that, for them, was acceptable simply because that was acceptable in high school.

and where was i?

i was in a roomful of kids — thrust in the world of childish pranks and silly jokes about tae, and other stuff that you eventually and inevitably outgrow.

school is indeed harsh — but it’s harshness is subtle, implicit — but then again, it strikes you where you are most vulnerable — your ego.