i remember her from my childhood.

no, remember is not the apt term — she was part of my childhood.

because my childhood recollections cannot be considered complete if she was squeezed out of the picture.

but as i see her right now, and the apparent torment that is lurking beneath her dishevelled exterior, i no longer recognise the sparkle of innocence that seemed so obvious before.

it is sad when friends we know have gone astray, and have outgrown us — or worse, when we outgrow them — but linda’s case was different, neither one of us outgrew each other, but through the years, all her accumulated pain and hurts have scathed her, and may have been the reason why she no longer has her sanity intact.

i’ve seen her twice or thrice probably, in the streets, virtually reduced to a beggar, wearing nothing but rags, her body swollen all over with scabies, her hair in disarray, and mumbling inaudible sounds to herself.

once, i tried going near her, in hopes of her recognizing me — but there never was a hint of familiarity — she only looked intently at me for awhile, then walked away.

i honestly don’t know if that was merely her defense mechanism because she was ashamed of what she had become, but as she looked at me, i was convinced that she had ceased to be the innocent young girl who frequented our house during lazy summer days — who would do everything to wake me up almost every morning and constantly nag me to play kayukok, dakpanay, teks, or dampa with her.

she was no longer there — or if she was, she was pushed way inside her heart, unable to break free and once more see the beauty of living.

my sister, who had taken up nursing as her undergraduate course, shared that in a particular nursing class, they were tasked to interview certain people with mental disabilities — and after having heard of her case, they chose her to be their sample respondent (this was two years ago).

they were however surprised that, like her, her mother, aling edith, had also gone insane, and was in a much more advanced state, that she had to be coercively confined in their house so she would not roam around freely in the neighborhood.

linda, they observed, had more lucid moments back then and was still able to talk sensibly to them — however, it had already become apparent that her living condition had taken its toll on her, and insanity was fast encroaching upon her rational faculties.

which is why lalab was surprised to see her in her condition two years after — her mental disability had worsened, and she had degenerated into a street vagrant who depended on the crumbs of those who were willing to share what they had.

her existence had become her source of torment.

hushed whispers from neighbors and people once close to them surmise that she succumbed to post-partum depression after having given birth twice — worse, they say, both had been fathered by her own father — a drunkard who is notorious for his carnal trysts in our neighborhood. because they say that after aling edith‘s sanity had abandoned her and she became incapable of looking after her family, linda was forced to assume her mother’s role — whether it was her intention to do so or not, no one can really tell.

we live sad lives.

and just when we start to believe that stories such as linda’s can only happen in make-believe movies, reality slaps us hard and makes us see that they are more than real. They, in fact, throb with life, and they serve as reminders that life’s turbulence can sometimes scathe some of us irrepairably.

linda may have transformed into a stranger — but as i see her in deep pain and anguish, i choose to remember her from before — when she was a carefree spirit, an innocent young child who was oblivious of what was to come later on in her life —

and i am certain that i am not alone in choosing to see her through her past — because i know, i just do, that deep within the recesses of her heart and soul, she is secretly wishing to be that little girl once more.

one of the few reservations that i had when i agreed to transfer schools was my fear of losing what little semblance of UP-ness that i acquired during the four years or so that i studied there. which is why i vigilantly guarded my way of thinking, my worldview, and my convictions in my new school — because it is true what most people say, the encroachment of these esteemed qualities happen when one least expects it.

and, i must admit, silently but gradually, my progressive academic thinking has been tempered by my exposure to different teaching techniques, and the intrusive culture of detachment that my present academic atmosphere has introduced.

during my first semester here, i raised relevant questions regarding the issues that were raised in most of my classes, not because i wanted to pass off as an arrogant prig, but because i genuinely wanted to learn. but the present academic set-up of my new school, which is largely patterned after high school learning, has stifled my interest to actively participate in pertinent classroom discussions.

here, the teacher dominates in most of the discussions, and here too, students are expected to just listen, scribble down notes, memorize, and just have a passing mark.

more so, through time, i have nurtured a contemptuous feeling towards some of my teachers who have a penchant for just chatting the academic time away, thereby depriving their students of genuine learning.

lets take mr a as an example.

i personally don’t know if he was raised under an ultra-conservative family, or he is just subsumed under the subculture of not questioning convention, or if he is just plain bigoted, but as i see snippets of his personality in the so-so class discussions that we’ve had, i find his ideas downright offensive.

this morning, he jumpstarted the class discussion by saying that he woke up to the most disconcerting news piece he’s ever seen for quite a long time. he saw two women kissing, and said that this was in california, where same-sex marriage was recently legalized. he wondered, and out loud if i may add, why the almighty has not unleashed his full wrath over these moral degenerates yet. and as if he were the most righteous person alive, he snidely remarked: how  can these people still face society without shame?

sheesh.

i don’t even know where to start castigating him in my thoughts. it is precisely because of people like him that our society is so antiquated in thinking even when several quarters have already started to shatter the societally-constructed barriers of gender inequality and the continued oppression of the marginalized.

and, if i may add again, he bitched and ranted for almost 45 minutes, leaving only 15 minutes for actual classroom lecture. i surveyed the room for students who shared my disgust over his bigotry, and yet, there was none — heck, they even laughed with him as though ostracizing gay people was almost second nature which did not merit further questioning nor discernment.

i personally wanted to raise my hand, question his ineptitude towards gender sensibilities, and just ask him upfront: why are you so bigoted?

tsk.

for me, that was a most revolting faux pas on mr a’s part. but apparently for everyone else, it was just accepted and acceptable altogether, a daily routine, a normal remark from a normal teacher.

if that is their way of viewing what’s normal, shatter normalcy.

woohoo!

last month a friend informed me, through email, of an essay writing competition organized by the unfpa or the united nations population fund — and it was about population control, and how the government ought to circumvent the population menace by strictly adhering to birth control, and other similar measures.

the inner geek in me was intrigued, and i just let him be as i wove my words and paragraphs into an essay which juxtaposed the population problem with the current diaspora of filipinos into foreign lands just to have a good life. likewise, i related (or at least tried to, hehe) the current NFA rice crisis with the exponentially -multiplying filipino population.

it was a national essay writing competition so when i had (the) confirmation that i got second place, i was, well, overjoyed. hehe. the adjective sounds so subdued to the hysteria that ensued earlier today. haha.

although i would’ve wanted first place (fidel ramos will be giving the award, sheesh), i am still thankful i got second place because being second also means receiving a gift certificate from national bookstore worth so-so pesos.

not being a book reader, i wonder if the prize can be traded for a few bottles of beer. kidding. hehe anyway, i would like to share parts of the essay in my blog, and i hope you don’t doze off as you read it :p

‘‘The scarcity of food, the mass migration of Filipino workers: all these are indicators that the Philippines’ third-world economy cannot sustain a population that is way beyond what is statistically manageable for the government to maintain; more importantly, these serve as warnings that if the present population rate continues to exponentially multiply in light of the rapid depletion of resources, then our direction as a country is headed in a fatal path.

The current rice crisis, amid the efforts of some sectors to quell speculations of its damning repercussions, is a testament to the growing inability of the government to ensure that its people do not starve to death, or that its citizens, especially those who belong to the middle and lower classes, are still able to afford rice – a staple food for most if not all, and one which signifies the living condition of Filipinos. If the condition right now is terrifying, whereby the prospects for food sustenance and sustainability go dimmer as each day passes by, and there exists an apparent lack of viable government programs to arrest this problem, how much more when the population doubles in twenty to thirty years time?

The mass diaspora of Filipinos, for another, is a sad reminder that our collective sense of nationalism has been diluted. Families go abroad in hopes of seeking better opportunities there, students opt for courses which can guarantee them residency in a foreign nation later on, and the sense of fulfillment among some Filipinos culminate when they become naturalized in some foreign land: it is a sad picture really, but one which we have grown accustomed to. It would even be sadder when, in the course of being constantly exposed to these realities, what little sense of nationalism we have left will completely disappear, and all consciousness of being a Filipino will dissipate eventually.

Again, we see that this problem has, at its heart, the population problem, and the lack of opportunities that are available in the country. People are compelled, by circumstance, to momentarily or permanently leave the country for practical reasons – and again, if this trend continues and there is no government intervention to this modern-day phenomenon, then the possibility of the Philippines re-emerging as a strong nation will remain elusive.

It is precisely for these reasons, and presumably a lot more, that the government ought to consolidate its resolve to make the living conditions of its citizens more humane and just. Intrinsically, it has the immense power of effecting change if only it wills itself to do so and rise above its inherent susceptibility to external factors – because what is at stake here is the fragile life of the nation and the citizens that it has vowed to protect.

The right to family planning is an indispensable requisite for economic, political, and social progress – and as concerned citizens of this country, we should take it upon ourselves to demand that the government steer us in that direction – otherwise, we will succumb to the fate of continually disregarding the population problem: eventual self-destruction.’

i have this particularly annoying teacher this semester who has a penchant for glorifying himself in terms of teaching style and method, and proudly asserts that we ought to differentiate him from the rest of the pack because, he says, he not only imparts knowledge, but he imbues these learnings with the school’s thrust — which is the incorporation of the ‘gospel’ in classroom discussions.

with his distinct and thick waray accent, he starts the class each time with the same spiel: ‘ibahin nyo ako, ibahin nyo ako, meron akong record‘ — then he proceeds to checking the attendance — in 30 frigging minutes mind you — because he likes to interject, every so often, and brandish his so-called ‘distinct’ teaching style.

at first, i was intrigued and amused, and i entertained the idea that perhaps, he was different — that he was unlike the unthinking, incompetent kind.

but soon enough, i found out that indeed, he was different from the rest — fact is, he is worse.

for two weeks, we had to dissect the vision-mission of the university, discuss it in detail for four meetings, each having an hour and thirty minutes for every session — and it was just so, so boring — not to mention irrelevant and a total waste of time.

don’t get me wrong, i agree with the rationale of incorporating the school’s general thrust in the course of individualised learning, but having to skim through the entire document, and meticulously dissecting each phrase and sentence?

that’s verging on obsessive-compulsiveness on the part of the teacher on the one hand, or it could mean he was just too damn lazy to jumpstart the semester with pertinent and relevant lessons, on the other. tsk tsk.

to my recollection, there never was a single classroom discussion where he shared the latest nor the most apt technique in deconstructing and reanalyzing complicated stories. he merely blabbers for hours on end about how the generation now has forgotten the values of the time past, or how we, his students, ought to respect him for three reasons: his being our titser, his being matanda, and his being propesyunal.

naturally, in my head, i have already conjured of a hundred ways of reconstructing einstein’s relativity theory, or plot out the assumed location of emilia earheart in the bermuda triangle.

but it gets worse — because this time, he wants us to shell out twenty pesos and buy any item from the tabo (a superficial endeavor for fostering genuine appreciation to our own wika, if you were to ask me), and eat the entire thing in front of him.

first level of rebuttal: since when were teachers (college teachers, mind you) empowered to dictate how our school allowance will be spent? sure, twenty pesos is twenty pesos, but we need to look beyond the monetary aspect and uncover the arbitariness of the imposition — does he really have the right to demand that his students buy puto and cuchinta and nibble them down in front of him?

second level of rebuttal: how does this exercise facilitate and foster a genuine appreciation for the national language? this, in itself, is a pathetic excuse for genuine education, and it is this juvenile approach, plus a mindset which prods him on because he thinks of himself as a demigod in the classroom, which is the reason why genuine learning is stifled, and students are shortchanged in terms of getting what they rightfully deserve.

‘ibahin nyo ako, ibahin nyo ako.’

sir, iba ka nga.

the intrusive (and annoying, by the way) influx of cybercrap, apparently, will not lose steam anytime soon.

i was checking for comments to my latest post this morning, and voila! there was an insidious post by someone, or some robot perhaps, warning me from buying a dildo as a birthday present. because, it added, they have a magical herb which can increase a penis’ size in digits not yet seen before. gargantuan results was what they promised.

sheesh — my rant cringed in shame at the inappropriateness of the suggestion.

haha — cybercapitalism perhaps? lol.

anyway, i have not been able to blog like before because school requirements can be so dehumanizing! my PE classes have given me muscle cramps yesterday, my literature class has given me emotional and psychological torment lately, and my other subjects have been so demanding i have cut back on my alcohol intake. an unfortunate time to be sober really, given how gasoline right now is much more expensive than beer. a major tsk for everyone.

and apart from these school-related stress givers, i also had to deal with all kinds of shit — and i must say, it has been equally emotionally-draining for me. it has been a whirlwind of burdensome weeks really, and i look forward to the day when i will no longer be carrying this excess baggage; i want to break free from the shackles of the past, and just look straight ahead, because personally, complications can easily break both my spirit and sanity.

so to all, i hope everything will end sooner than later, so we will all go back to our past routines. suffice it to say that it has wrought considerable damage to all relationships involved — and i can only sigh in exasperation and distress.

i just hope that sometime soon, my hectic schedule will give me more time to just write about silly and trivial stuff again, because i need to de-clutter asap, otherwise i will end up lost and in a daze like before.

here’s to better times ahead guys. cheers!

today, my heart is burdened with grief.

earlier today, i was able to catch snippets of (the) news stories which showed recent developments in the unfortunate sinking of a sulpicio lines ship, the princess of the stars.

it was an awful start for the day that was unfolding — in one of the interviews to the rescuers who were tasked to check the capsized ship from the inside, he commented that he saw hundreds of people who were visibly trapped within the vessel. a number of them were still clutching their orange life vests, perhaps in hopes of making it out alive.

but that was not all.

the rescuer, seemingly perplexed by what he had seen, even shared that he saw bloated bodies of children — even a baby was seen floating in one of the ship’s decks.

horrifying.

it made me think — i bitched about the power interruption over the weekend, heck, i even went to the beach to while the time away — gahd, i even whined about the misfortune of not having electricity because i wanted to blog about my day and how the rain makes me sentimental and emo — and yet, there were multitudes of people who were scampering for their lives right at that instant.

throngs of people who were tormented with the inevitability of violent death; hundreds more who breathed their last just as i was comfortably tucked in bed.

tsk — a tragedy it was.

i just hope, with the rest of the world, that justice will be served for all those who deserve it.

but for now, i join the nation in mourning for all the lives that had been, in an instant, violently taken away from this god-forsaken, desolate place. +

just when i thought my life could net get any weirder, a friend approached me and he had this to say:

“we have decided that you will represent our department in the upcoming mr. <name of school, hehe>…and you will be pleased because it will be covered by many sponsors, blah blah, blah”

at first, i was amused — because who would’ve thought that someone would actually consider fielding me in an actual beauty contest <haha, the beauty part sends shivers down my spine, lol>. not because i think less of myself or worse, i think highly of myself, but because contests such as this and myself make up for an odd — no bizarre — pair. haha.

i politely declined, and suggested that perhaps, i would’ve agreed if it were an academic thing, or something that would highlight my other talents — but strutting my stuff in front of an audience which expects you to answer ‘world peace’ consecutively?

hell no. haha.

but, he continued, they have already arrived at a consensus — thereby implying that it not mattered what i thought or what my decision would be — fact for them is, i would agree to be pinned a number and have my share of the limelight.

haha. i couldn’t stop laughing deep inside.

perhaps, it’s just my personal crusade — beauty pageants have always been part of my list of pet peeves. as a self-respecting human being, i have resolved not to take part in activities which try to glamourize the entire concept of inner beauty and strength — because, at the end of each contest, it does not really matter how well-versed you are with the recent kidnapping situation in the philippines, or what the repercussions of a black democratic president are to the US, because what’s taken into account is how aesthetically-pleasing you are <we need to be politically-correct here,lol> and how you conform to the societal consensus of what constitutes acceptable beauty to most people.

or perhaps, your wit may guarantee you the crown, but you need to be at least ‘unoffensive’ to the eyes. haha.

gahd, the ideas that people entertain when they are high or perhaps intoxicated — no offense meant to my friend, but it would do him no good if he decides to push through with his plan — because, just as oil and water do not make for a good mixture, i also intend to stay afloat and keep what little self-respect i have left, than be subdued by this farce concept of individual empowerment.

la gloria is at it again — whenever i catch the daily news, my temper always flares up and i am consumed with contempt with how our political leaders are acting like juveniles and yet they pretend to advocate for the citizens that they bastardize.

take the current ruckus about the power rates for example -- la gloria, through her minion, winston garcia, is trying to wrestle control of meralco — because, she says, the lopezes are exploiting their consumers with over-the-top electric bills.

well and good because admittedly, there is an existing problem — and as such, the government ought to come up with a solution to emancipate the consumers from this undue burden. but how does she suggest going about this problem?

by means of a political vendetta — because people know that for the longest time, her family has been carrying a grudge against the lopezes — one which started with her father, the late president macapagal. and she uses winston garcia, another unthinking dimwit, to actualize her plans for her. garcia, by the way, is the self-absorbed president (he has a thing for brandishing his pictures for everyone to see) of gsis who, until today, has still failed to ensure the financial protection of government retirees via the gsis retirement plans and benefits programs.

and lets say, for the sake of argument, that he succeeds — what then will be his next move? make meralco a public entity?

tsk. why do we have dimwits for public officials? until i find a  decent answer to that question, i will continue hating news stories flashing their unsorry faces day after day after day.

one of the down sides of not being in a regular semester is missing out on debate tournaments.

yup, some people might say im a geek for missing debates but hell, ive been exhibiting withdrawal symptoms from not debating for a long, long time. it’s actually been last april that i’ve competed in an actual debate tournament in updiliman — but after that, it’s been downhill — nada, zilch, zero, empty set — and i actually miss intellectual duels with other debaters from other schools (well, other schoolmates will do).

debating might actually look taxing at first, but once you get the hang of it, its actually very addictive. its exhilirating, challenging, and it really stretches your mind to its very limit — not just because of analysis, but as well as ensuring that you work well under pressure. debating, after all, is very time constrained — and if you don’t have nerves of steel, you will just crumble shamefully infront of your opponents.

debates are fun because you get to unsheathe your intellectual weapon, and use it to discuss varied motions — and when i say varied, i mean varied — hell, we talk about the united nations, paris hilton, kris aquino, wowowee, hillary clinto, gayborhoods, iran, osama bin laden, lindsey lohan, etc. — and believe me, it could not get any more varied than that.

its really all about the analysis, arguments, and how they are presented — which is why it is necessary to appear confident all the time — because any hint of discomfort or disorientation can be pounced upon by the other teams, by bombarding you with successive points of information, and other psychological methods of intimidation.

for another, what makes parliamentary debating fun is that you only get to prepare your speech for fifteen minutes (yup, fifteen minutes), and you are expected to come up with a decent speech that will last for seven minutes (that is the minimum) — so, its pretty nerve-wracking especially if you are dense about the motion that has just been given.

i remember my first debate — i was only given one minute to prepare, and i had to speak for almost fifteen minutes, defending paris hilton, and convincing my opponents that she is an advocate for women’s rights. hell, it was the longest fifteen minutes of my entire life.

and i cant wait to debate again once school opens this year, i just hope we will have more fun motions, and even crazier debate rounds.

hiya!

the previous blog article that i’ve written was an article that i made last semester — and i actually have several of them that i want to publish in my new blog.

because im opinionated :p, and because i want to share some of my thoughts through this blog, i will post several of the articles that i’ve written before — when i was a feature writer, i was constantly in disagreement with my editor because i wanted to write about stuff which most students chose to disregard — such as this article, which was an analysis of wowowee (one of the more popular pop culture gibberish that is so pervasive right now), and how it is more exploitative than helpful to our less fortunate countrymen.

you may agree or disagree, but here is part of what i wrote back then:

Exploited women

One of Wowowee’s most noticeable features is the presence of skimpily-dressed and gyrating female dancers. In almost all segments of the program, these women strut their stuff almost shamelessly in the dance floor – from the upbeat dancing of the G girls, to the twice MTRCB-sanctioned dancing style of Mariposa and Luningning in Pasalog, we see that these women are central to the show’s appeal. Although noontime shows usually have their share of such dancers, it is disturbing to see that they have virtually become the vantage point of the show; that they have become one of the show’s strategies in luring viewers to their side of the TV dial.

Matched with Willie’s snooty remarks and sexual innuendos, these girls are significantly reduced to sex objects and commodities – a condition which is prevalent in status quo (like how women are unfairly exploited for alcoholic beverages and other ‘worldly’ products), but is something that is not acceptable to present-day upheavals/struggles which aim to shatter the paternalistic and highly-patriarchal manifestations of society.

Considering mass media’s pervasive and ubiquitous feature, this sends out the message that it is acceptable to use women as platforms to a higher viewership rating; and that men have the prerogative of subjugating the other sex because they are more superior.

Is this something that we would want at the end of the day?

Culture of dependence

Kuya Willie claims that his show is for the masa – that he would not be there if he did not enjoy their support, which is why he feels generous in handing out cash prizes to the less-fortunate contestants. But is the show really geared towards that end?

There is a portion in the show where the poverty-stricken contestants, such as street vendors, metro aide sweepers, and toothless mothers who live in squalor, ask for cash donations from balikbayans. As they would brazenly convince the donors that they are most deserving of whatever petty cash that can be handed out to them, Kuya Willie stands tall and proud on the sidelines, exhibiting the aura that it was his benevolence which should be recognized as he is the middleman between the two. And sure enough, in almost all instances, he is recognized and aptly praised for his ‘compassionate heart’ with a tight hug and an emotional “Salamat Papi” remark.

But does this really alter the societal balance which is tilted favorably to the moneyed few?

It is gut-wrenching to see these desperate people reduce themselves into beggars in exchange for cash. Although admittedly some of them practically live through the excesses of others, it is disturbing to see them brandish their poverty as an excuse to beg – because instead of trying to uplift the lot of the common tao, the social divisions in society, in essence, are all the more pronounced and furthered.

And Kuya Willie gets away with this because there is visual proof that his show has a heart – even if the corporate sponsorships which they derive from these tear-jerking episodes are not commensurate to the cash prizes which they give out.

In the end, it is a win-win situation for the corporate giant that is ABS-CBN, because while receiving enormous sums of revenues from advertisements, they are also being pictured as having the masa’s advocacies in their hearts – even if in reality, they are actually getting more than they are giving out.

Conclusion

It is for these reasons and much more that we ought to be more discerning in how our society is pictured in terms of the prevailing popular culture. Wowowee and other shows which aim to humanize poverty do not always assume their claimed advocacy – and it is imperative/contingent upon the viewer to realize that sometimes, what impresses as reality is not always real, because given mass media’s persuasive power, one can sometimes be lured into the abyss of well-orchestrated media deception.